I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
