I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize