Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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