Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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