you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
