Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
