remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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