there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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