Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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