That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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