The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
