I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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