hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
