I faked an abortion last night.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
