you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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