I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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