Duck Duck Cougar?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
