Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
