i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
