We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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