At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
4 words: hood of his car
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Alive.
So much puke
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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