I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize