Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
