dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When are your genitals available?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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