I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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