she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
