Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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