just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
