Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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