Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
