i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
