***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
