I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize