Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
