Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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