so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
kristin has been a bad kristin
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Randomize
