it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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