My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
