The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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