I'm laying in your front yard are you home
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
