final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
two words: eviction party
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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