there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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