he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
