the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
