Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Is it because I queefed?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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