Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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