i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
