Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
