I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
