Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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