if you like me you must not know who I am
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
