I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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