I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
