Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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