R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
someone owes me an orgasm
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
worst night to have a conscience
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
