Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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