I'm sorry my penis didn't work
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
