You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
