just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
