can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
