So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
