NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
